Last week I was tidying up in what used to be Mr. Torpid’s office when I came across this letter to the Dudeist Church. I hadn’t known he was in fact Reverend Torpid. But that’s not surprising. Thomas Torpid was a secretive fellow. It all came out eventually about him and Lady Maud in the comfortabology lab. Arthur Bing-Chumply was the last person to see them as they punted upriver. That must have been three years ago. Here’s the letter.
The forgotten letter
Dear Reverend Dudes:
Thank you for your message of appreciation and support you sent four years ago. It was our pleasure to host members of the Dudeist priesthood here at Crumpetworthy Park.
Frankly, it was a surprise when your delegation showed up at the gatekeeper’s lodge that rainy afternoon. Few people find their way here, but some do.
We’d like to again apologize for the behavior of Sgt. Dimwhittington of SLOW SECURITY. You’ll be happy to know he’s responding well to the massage therapy and has a much looser attitude to life in general.
Bowling has not been a traditional pastime of the International Institute of Not Doing Much— until now. Many of our members are deriving great benefit from this spiritual practice. Thank you for your technical assistance in fixing the steam generator. The new BOWL-O-MATIC is now puffing away splendidly.
One or two of our more crusty members found your religious phraseology difficult to get the hang of. Yet with practice and determination even Lady Maud Roundsoft has enthusiastically embraced your reverent expression: Fuck it! Let’s go bowling.
All of us here are glad your delegation wanted to know much more about the history and practice of hammockery.
There was consternation in the hammock room when you showed us The Big Lebowski. The Dude has such a refined sense of not doing much, and is clearly one of us. The scene where he was soaking in a cruelly tiny bathtub was very upsetting to our members. A deep and large tub is an essential for attaining not much.
Most of us at Crumpetworthy Hall had no idea America hadn’t fully embraced the bathtub. Our research department reports that hotels across the United States don’t address needs of the soaking connoisseur. We trust your experience in the tub will slowly stimulate you to bring claw-foot tubbing to the United States. If not you, then who?
I’m writing this letter from our ground floor tub room where I have been soaking these last four days.
We look forward to seeing you again. Our vital work in not doing much continues.
Yours in slowness,
Thomas Torpid, OS (Order of Slow)
International Institute of Not Doing Much
Little Upford, Rompshire