Major Smythe-Blunder

Dear Sir or Madam,

You asked about my day. I’ve been writing a biography of my uncle General Blunder. While searching under my desk for a missing part of the manuscript  I found your letter quite by chance. Enclosed is my response. It’s in British English of course.

06:00 Get up as usual.

06:15 Have cup of tea and realise it’s Slow Down Week. Go back to bed. Start day off with nap, just the ticket!

08:00 Daphne bangs on door to see if her dad is still alive. He is. Had a strange dream I was addressing the troops. I’m wearing a tutu and they are all dressed as chickens. Odd, don’t usually have dreams. Look for glasses.

08:30 Found glasses, but not before knocking over false teeth in glass on bedside table.

09:00 Daphne concerned I’m ill. But makes hearty breakfast with kidneys (my favourite) with lashings of tea.

09:45 Read Slow Down Week instruction manual and take bath. Sergeant Quack-Quack, or duck number two, develops a malfunction and sinks. Hum the Last Post as he goes down: all very proper.

10:30 Geranium inspection in the greenhouse. All present and correct. Get nasty attack from standing on booby-trapped rake. Rather bruised. Probably left there by little Cassandra Smythe-Blunder-Barkington-Pips. She is a born warrior.

11:00 In the bath again. Better for bruises. Read in paper about new study on relaxons. Apparently particles in air can make personnel more relaxed and impart a sense of wellbeing. Thought this was all military hush-hush. Slow Down Week headline news of course.

11:45 Sit in living room with me pipe for a good smoke. Daphne complains she can hardly see. Go to pub for lunch (and a smoke).

12:30 Eric (Mad-Dog) Madden tells me that in the United States every garage repair shop also provides hot baths for their customers.  Nonsense of course!

15:00 Just walked back from the pub. Had rather too much Newcastle Brown Ale. The policeman was understanding about the urinating in public incident. The police are a decent bunch of chaps.

16:00 Must have dozed off. Daphne, sweet girl, brings me a cuppa and a jam tart.

16:30 Work on me book “Tank Battles for Tots” but must be aware of the time. Don’t want to miss the cricket from Australia.

18:40 Daphne wakes me up. Missed cricket. Have supper and do football pools.

19:30 Have another bath, this time with me pipe. Sad about duck number two. Duck number one lonely.

21:00 Turn in early with me new issue of “Big Girls of the British Army.”

Yours faithfully,

Major (Blast-it-to-Smithereens) Smythe-Blunder