Rompshire County Council met in Dampford Town Hall on Friday to propose lifting the ban on golf.
Chief Inspector Roger Fumble of the Rompshire Constabulary believes responsible golfing among consenting adults should be legal throughout the County of Rompshire.
Recent polls have shown that attitudes are changing and opposition to golf is declining.
“We have enough work to do without arresting clandestine golfers,” said the Chief Inspector.
He went on to say, “The police are run off their feet. Crime is reaching outrageous proportions. Last month’s crime blotter, published in the Rompshire Gazette, shows there has been no fewer than three requests to find missing cats, two cases of golf-related broken windows, a sofa burglary, and an arrest of a citizen riding a bicycle without proper lights.”
Councilwoman Fiona Phillips is vehemently opposed to legalization. She is believed to have ties to Dampford Repair-A-Window.
“Golf is dangerous and addictive,” she said. “It may start innocently enough with putting, but it doesn’t stop there. Putting is the gateway activity to full-blown driving. There is no case for adult use.”
“A purpose-built golf course would eliminate the broken-window problem caused by nighttime golfers,” said Arthur Bing-Chumply, spokesman for the International Institute of Not Doing Much.
Ms. Phillips presented neurological data on how long-term golfing damages the brain.
She said, “Speed Golf is a horrible concept and alien to our slow culture. Infected golfers no longer walk. They insist on speeding around in golf carts. Golf may look like a slow activity, but it causes people to go faster.
“Moreover, golf talk can bore the pants off non-golfers,” said Ms. Phillips. “Children should be protected, but they are being hired out as caddies. Exposure to golf at an early age is an indicator of addiction in adulthood.”
Arthur Bing-Chumply said that golf could be monitored to make sure people were playing slowly and responsibly.
A new golf course would bring in revenue to the County. Membership and green fees would be used for counseling services, regular mental health checkups, rehabilitation for golf addicts, and a much-needed upgrade to the public bathtubs at Little Twittington.
Rompshire County Council will vote on the issue next Wednesday.