Rompshire County Council met in Dampford Town Hall on Friday to propose lifting the ban on golf.
Chief Inspector Roger Fumble of the Rompshire Constabulary believes responsible golfing among consenting adults should be legal throughout the County.
“We have enough work to do without having to stay up on moonlit nights looking for clandestine golfers,” said the Chief Inspector.
He went on to say, “The police have been run off their feet. Crime is reaching outrageous proportions. Last month’s crime blotter, published in the Rompshire Gazette, shows there has been a spate of missing cats, four golfing arrests, a sofa burglary, and a caution to Ms. Pettigrew from the Crumpetworthy School of Manners for riding a bicycle without proper lights.”
Councilwoman Fiona Phillips is vehemently opposed to legalization.
“There is no case for adult use. Golf is dangerous and addictive,” she said. “It may start innocently enough with putting, but it doesn’t stop there. Putting is the gateway activity to full-blown driving.”
Matilda Abundant, [believed to have ties to Dampford Repair-A-Window Inc.] said, “A secure golf course would allow the authorities to monitor behavior.”
Arthur Bing-Chumply, a spokesman for the International Institute of Not Doing Much, said that golf is a disgusting habit and leads to megalomania.
Dr. Carol Kendall presented neurological data on how long-term golfing shrinks the brain.
“Children should be protected,” said Ms. Phillips, “Addicted parents are having children to provide them with a cheap source of caddying. And exposure to golf at an early age is a strong indicator of addiction in adulthood.”
Chief Inspector Roger Fumble said that he would personally monitor local golf to make sure people were playing slowly and responsibly. He proposed that golf club membership and green fees would be used for counseling services, regular mental health checkups, rehabilitation for golf addicts.
Matilda Abundant agreed with the Inspector. She said that a new golf course would bring in revenue for the much-needed upgrade to the public bathtubs at Little Twittington. But the Council decided it was too soon to judge and more health studies should be made before taking drastic action. For now, golf remains an illegal activity in Rompshire; although it’s rumored to be legal in Berkshire and Oxfordshire.
Rompshire County Council adjourned for tea and decided to talk about all this next week or the one after that, probably.