Golf is something you catch like a bad cold.

But it lasts far longer.

It can be impossible to shake off.

Mother’s Against Golf (MAG), a foremost anti-golf lobby, is outraged that innocent children can see scandalous pictures of golfers in full swing on the internet.

A recent MAG survey showed that couples are having children for the express purpose of securing a future supply of caddies.

This so-called game is a direct cause of workplace absenteeism. It destroys domestic bliss and can lead to complete mental breakdown.

Children raised by golf-addicted parents are usually pressed into service as caddies thereby violating child labor laws.

Studies by the International Institute of Not Doing Much (IINDM) clearly show that children who have been exposed to golf are far more likely to engage in the activity.

Golf changes brain anatomy. Almost every golf addict starts out by putting. Gentle putting may seem innocent enough, but it soon leads to heavy driving. The next step is Obsessive Golf Syndrome (OGS), a condition listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders 10 (DSMX).

There are a few people who can still play responsible golf, despite its dangers. But for many, it may be too late to stop now. Golf is an infection that can last for years.

Just say NO to golf.

It may surprise you to know that a mere 756 years ago the pace of business was carried on at a far more dignified speed.

There is no record of the lovingly embellished out-of-office message pinned to the door of the family business in Venice that year of 1260. But it probably went something like this:

Dear Customer,

We’ll be out of the office for the next twenty-six years.
Apologies for the inconvenience as we’re traveling on business.
Please stop by in a couple of decades.

festina lente

Maffeo Polo and Marco Polo.
Polo Inc. Venice

People weren’t so hung up on knowing exactly what they were doing back then. The brothers’ idea was to trade with the East, and that was good enough for them.

They dawdled in the general direction of China.

China wasn’t the goal, at least not at first. From Constantinople (Istanbul), they set off in a ship to cross the Black Sea, taking with them gold and jewels. From Sudak (in present-day Ukraine), they traveled overland to the court of Barka Khan, some 100 Km (620 miles) east of Moscow. This was the land of Tartars. Barka Kahn was pleased to have a couple of “Latin” merchants show up on his doorstep.

Maffeo and Marco knew how to behave. They gave all their jewels to Barka Kahn to show their wealth and chutzpa (and seeming idiocy). But this was how things were done. This pleased Barka. Upping the ante, Barka gave them twice as much wealth.

The brothers were skilled in the art of medieval sales techniques, and went off and sold their goods to the locals. They made what’s technically called “a bundle.”

The brothers’ stopover lasted a year before they decided to go home. But war had broken out behind them, so they made a plan to press on eastward.

They crossed rivers and deserts, and eventually came to the most splendid city in Persia, ruled by Barak Khan, where they had a three-year stopover.

It was during this time that a messenger from The Great Khan of all the Tartars arrived at court. The messenger had never seen Europeans before. When the he learned they were businessmen (medieval equivalent of rock stars), he made them an offer they didn’t refuse.

“You’ll like Kubilai Khan,” he said. “Come with me and you’ll get rich.” Kubilai Khan had never seen Europeans either.

To cut a very long story short, the brothers hit it off with The Great Khan and stayed for years learning local languages, and experiencing mind-boggling luxury and splendor.

Eventually the brothers returned to Venice. Marco got himself on the losing side of a local battle (as business people will do), and was thrown into prison. There he met his business book ghostwriter, Messer Rustichello of Pisa, who set down Marco’s recollections in a book, The Travels.

Of course people didn’t believe a word of the strange things he had encountered, which is so often the way with anything new.

LF: You guys are a hoot!

[Email sent to IINDM today]

I would like to let you know how much I have enjoyed your philosophy. I spent this morning in bed reading from both your websites and completely agree with your position.

I often feel guilty that I live by a lot of what you recommend. I know that guilt is a result of the spirit of capitalism and living in suburban London, surrounded by people who cannot even imagine the truth in this philosophy.

But, when ever I try to work too hard, multitask and be productive, I end up getting a migraine. Having thought about human health, anthropology and life, I personally believe the key to health is cultivating stillness in mind and body, whilst remaining fluid. Like a still lake full of life. As a child we know how to be. It is shocking how sending children to school destroys the natural rhythm of life and the treasure it holds.

[Email sent to the IINDM today]

Dear Ms. Gladley,

I must admit I am appalled. Or slightly bemused. Being appalled is so tiring.

Anyhow, I have now received two “news” emails from you in the space of a fortnight! Yes, two! Whilst you might think the discovery of relaxons needs reporting to your Members, I can assure you it does not. My good friend Dr Hyberbole-Smyth mentioned their existence to me many years ago, but had the good grace to keep this information to himself.

In short, I find this burst of hyper-activity totally unworthy of the IINDM, and I trust it will stop. Or at least considered over a cup of tea. Otherwise, I will be forced to write to your manager. Or think about doing so, and I really do not want to bother.

Yours Sincerely,

Crispin Golightly (ret.)